Empty in an apocalypse

Journal Entry 1

If you’d had asked me then, I would have told you the world was already going to shit. It’s not like we needed to encourage the end stages of the apocalypse for it to happen, but, here we are.

I figured since I made it this long maybe I should share my story - or at least get it out so I don’t feel as crazy anymore. Talking to myself has lost its appeal, at least here I can feel like I am communicating with something other than myself. I don't come across many people these days, not that I would go out of my way to chat with them before.

One great thing about living the apocalypse are the books. Books are everywhere, which suits me just fine. I didn't particularly like people before the apocalypse, might as well continue to do the things I loved the most. (Might be a bit strange that I read apocalypse and post-apocalyptic, horror regularly, but I like to be grateful for what I have).  These are usually the only places untouched in most stores, it brings me a sense of normalcy that I probably don’t deserve.

We began watching the news that day. We thought the more we knew the better we would prepare. In the end, it didn’t matter. The ice caps melted, the oceans rose, and an airborne virus was released into a perfect storm of overpopulation of our planet. It made people crazy. Governments closed borders, airports were shut down, people were told to stay home and lock the doors. Everything shut down. No contact bands were put into place and people were forced to stay home, but the virus continued to spread.

Journal Entry 2

This antique lounger is more comfortable than I thought it was going to be. It isn’t one of those cheap mass-produced plastic things, it’s actually made of wood, Teak I believe. It adjusts from head to toe and if it wasn’t so goddam heavy I would pack it with me. It was probably made a hundred years before the apocalypse. I wonder if people will get to do those things again. I wonder if anyone still knows how.

This neighbourhood isn’t too bad. Obviously the lounger wasn’t here before shit went down, but it looked good sitting on the front lawn, almost like it should have always been here. That’s how your stuff got stolen, couldn’t trust people, had to put away, and hide your possessions to keep them safe. Sad really. You should be able to put a chair on your front lawn and know it would be there the next day… Unfortunately, we squandered so much of our freedom by being uncivilized to each other. So much time wasted.

The basketball hoop at the top of the driveway is holding up, a useless reminder of how things were. There are a couple of rusted children’s bikes scattered across the lawn. The grass is brown by sitting in the long hot sun with no one around to water it. Someone planted blueberries, raspberries and strawberry’s in this front garden, which I am grateful for. It must be June or July. I’m not sure which, I have no real reason to keep track anymore.

The days began to blend together much sooner then I thought they would have. Five weeks in and I lost track of the days of the week. After three months I gave up trying to figure out what month it was. Time had always been a construct anyway. Made to make sure people contributed to capitalism, trading our time for pieces of paper that never really meant anything, to begin with. We should have all been at home growing our own food and helping one another to be independently wealthy in health and love.

There was just so much greed, and who could help not to teach their kids to fear the people of the world, people were inherently awful and selfish. Couldn't let out kids play in the backyard by themselves for fear someone would come and scoop them up. It's depressing thinking about the past. And yet, some days I just can’t help it. Like a video in my head played on a loop of unrelenting torture.

Journal Entry 3

I remember when the craziest thing I wrote in my journals was how I felt about my life. I was sad, lost, confused, heartbroken, happy….they were so simple. Now, I kill people who are in my way. I just don’t know what they are in the way of, seriously, what am I still doing here? I’ve only killed men so far but they are the only ones to threaten my existence. This isn’t Mad Max but there are some elements just like the common thread through all apocalyptic stories the same dangers that existed before continue to still exist on an exponential level now. Women are not to be caught alone, in dark alleys, without the threat of attack, this was before. When men threatened our very existence daily as they discussed the rights to our bodies and our reproductive organs like something to be sold on Etsy.

Everyone is still an opportunist to the level of violence one can only reach in a forgotten world, I doubt it matters what gender you are these days. My experience says men are bad. It was my experience before and nothing has changed now. We don’t live in an environment conducive to anyone's well being. Everyone is emotionally and physically damaged in more ways than one and now we don’t even have psychologists to attempt to save us anymore.

The very beginning wasn’t bad. My husband stayed home. We watched t.v and read books and cuddled together. We played with our kids, laughed, cooked great food, and loved each other. It was nice.

We planted a garden. Completed things around the house we always said we would get done. We kept to ourselves and for some reason, it seemed so natural. It was like everything we had been doing before was forced and now, now we were ourselves and it was beautiful. We were lucky.

I had always been preparing for something. Guess you would have called me paranoid. I collected food and camping gear. I read a lot of post apocalyptic novels and was convinced the wolrld was likely to end one way or another. Because of this oddity of mine, we were better off than most. My husband thanked me for that every day, he was a good man, no, he was a great man and I loved him with everything I was and still am. He was one of those few. The one who stood up to injustice. Voiced his opinion when a man was disrespectful or simply crude. He had no tolerance for the ways society had gone, always telling us how he wished more men would strive to be better. How society had made us all complacent to things that should matter to us all.

He was the better person between the two of us. Where I wanted to hide away and ignore the world he wanted to embrace it. He loved the diversity of people from culture to character. He was easily loved by most who met him, and I'm sure they wondered what he could see in me. I had always been awkward and untrusting. Shades of my past that I had not been able to shed from my thick hide. Yet, he loved me to such a degree that I could not help but feel blessed everyday I woke beside him. Then, they were gone.

I lost all three of them on the same day. Not from the virus. From an ass hole that couldn’t handle what was happening in the world. They were driving the highway back from checking on his parents. A stranger ran them off the road. The van flipped and since that wasn’t enough the guy got out of his truck and shot them with a hunting rifle. He took all of the emergency supplies from the back of our vehicle and took off.

Society hadn’t fully crumbled yet. It was caught on highway video surveillance. I jumped with each shot fired when I watched it. Tears flowed down my face for days, I don’t remember eating or drinking but something inside of me was forcing me to go on. When the power went out I knew it was the beginning of the end. I went out that day and killed the man who killed my family. I became no better than anyone else in this godforsaken world. But I can tell you, I felt slightly better knowing that he wasn't living anymore.Society hadn’t fully crumbled yet. It was caught on highway video survalience. I jumped with each shot fired when I watched it. Tears flowed down my face for days, I don’t remember eating or drinking but something inside of me was forcing me to go on. When the power went out I knew it was the beginning of the end. I went out that day and killed the man who killed my family. I became no better than anyone else in this godforsaken world. But I can tell you, I felt slightly better knowing that he wasn't living anymore.

Journal Entry 4

Philosophical debates aside we are literally going nowhere. I can’t remember the last time I saw a child, or simply witnessed people together. Everything I’ve read says we have to come together in order to survive as a species but do I care about this? Obviously those that are left are the ones who are immune to whatever killed off 90% of the population. My assumption is that if we don’t come together then our species dies. The earth gets to rebuild, which it deserves, we have already seen the effects of mother earth reclaiming the land. It’s everywhere, probably why no one is starving. It’s true that mother earth provides. Maybe if we let her do her own thing we would have been okay.

If I were pressed for an example I’m sure I could provide one from my previous life. But I don’t like to admit that I was a contributing factor to the destruction of our society but I was complicit, everyone ones. We were all big on misunderstanding each other, because of our perception of situations. Our environments playing such important roles that we tend to take everything for granted. Now we’re all alone, and none of us know what to do. We are roaming around alone until we die.

Journal Entry 6

Went back to the house today. Surprised it was still standing. It has been looted. I managed to scavenge a couple of pictures. I couldn’t stay for long, I’m fairly positive that someone was in the attic. I didn’t want to stick around to find out though. You can never be too careful these days. And there it is, we will never come together. Too much has been done. No one has any trust left in them. The meek have inherited the world and they only continue to do nothing...