I don't know if that's the right word, but I like the way it sounds. Didn't think I would ever be obedient to an exsessive degree, but that's what happens when you fall in line. When your voice isn't heard and the pain becomes too much. You get good at being small and light. Now your superpower is walking on egg shells and lowering your self worth. Telling yourself you don't need much to get by.
One day we all snap. We don't know when enough is enough until the straw drops and things click into place. It's hard making sense of those things during the fall out. It's hard to walk away from all the promises, you feel guilt and shame but they're an illusion of the passive self reflection you've created for yourself.
Why is it so fucking difficult to know we deserve more? Why do we accept the bare minimum for so long?
For me, I've found I'm pretty naive. I don't think its a bad thing most of the time. Geez one of my flaws is thinking people are better then they really are...whatever. I have learned all the lessons on that front that I'm willing to learn. I do my best to remind myself that it hurts to much to be fooled again. Now I take it all into question, words must meet actions and most importantly, if you can't stick up for me when I'm not around, then don't bother being around. I'm good on my own. It is interesting what you learn about yourself when push becomes a giant shove, strength, independence, competence, compassion...
All I've ever wanted was to share my happiness. I didn't think that would be as hard as it has been, but we all have our lessons to learn. I havn't always made great decisions in life but I feel that we would all be hard pressed to say that we have made all the right ones. Isn't that what creates great character? Some of us have it in abundance and maybe that's because we learned the lessons as they came and turned things around for ourselves.
Years ago I loved this mean bunny - I can't remember the name or anything really about it but I remember a note pad I had for awhile that said "When life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into the eyes of your enemies." It always made me laugh. Well, life has given me many moments that were of lemon quality, I did not choose violence, but I did always turn it into lemonade. I am oddly proud of that.
In all the times of my life that I've sat down and said "WTF" I reminded myself that 'this too shall pass' and the reality is, it does pass. Life goes on. We grow and move foreword, hopefully for the better.
Do I have regrets, sure, but I refuse to dwell on them. Nothing I can do about the decisions I've made but continue to live my life the best way I can.
Now this is probably the most ramblings of a reader that I've written yet. Guess the lesson I've learned this year is to simply be more of myself and see what happens next.
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